Jim Morrison's Adventures in the Afterlife
Authors: Mich Farren

Review By: Chessire

This book is a long strange trip so please hang on tight while I try to explain it.

First and foremost, forget everything your Sunday school teacher told you about heaven. 
That doesnít happen. If that is what you want you, like Aimee, will be sorely 
disappointed. Basically after you die, you go trough the Great Double Helix. Remember 
that big machine from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, that broke the boy up into a 
million bagillion different pieces, and then transported him across the room and put him 
back together? Thatís basically the Great Double Helixís job. After you go trough the 
great double helix your on a different dimensional plain, where you get psychic powers. 
Some people like our anti-hero Jim, have very little psychic powers, others have lots and 
lots and can build their own little places and people. Heaven (Aimeeís version), 
Necropolis, and the canyon orgy all are examples. 

Okay now for the story. After Aimee Semple Macpherson overdosed, she went up to heaven. 
But there wasnít a prefabricated heaven complete with the lord to praise her for her good 
work waiting for her. So she got really mad and decided to build her own heaven for all 
the good little Christians to come home to. But she was bipolar so she broke into two 
entities, Aimee the good one to build heaven, and Semple became the bad one, and just to 
piss off her sister she built a hell.

So one sunny day in Aimeeís heaven, whoís pissed off because her heaven looks stupid, Jim 
Morrison comes strolling up the road. Except Jim Morrison has lost his memory in a fight 
between the Dionysians and the Apollonians. Jim was a Dionysian of course. So Aimee sees 
Jim coming up the road, and she calls down a big thunder bolt and tries to blast him back 
to the Great Double Helix. But instead Jim just winds up in a canyon in the middle of a 
Bacchanalian Orgy. Except Jimís not really in the mood for an Orgy, and some of the 
people in it are really creepy. So Jim climbs up a the Canyon wall, and lo and behold who 
should be sitting on a outcropping but Doc Holliday. Doc is being his usual Doc self, 
drinking and smoking, and being antisocial. Then Moses shows up to smite the idolaters 
and fornicators. Since Moses conjured up these people and made them do this in the first 
place, Jim and Doc donít think this is right. So Doc pulls out the "Gun that Belonged to 
Elvis" which is somewhat of a holy relic in the Afterlife, and even tough since heís 
already dead it might not kill him one of the golden bullets " will sure fuck him up 
some." Doc shoots Moses a couple of times, and Moses who actually is the embodiment of 
some evangelist loses the facade proven by the fact that he says "Fucking-A right were 
going to make an issue of it," and then throws the ten commandments at Doc and Jim, 
trying to smite them. Then things get kind of chaotic. Anywho Jim and Doc end up in this 
little town that Doc created. Jim hangs out, drinking and taking pills, there for a 
little while with Donna Anna Maria Isabella Conchita Theresa Garcia, Long Time Robert 
Moore, a rastifarian named Saladeen, and a talking dog who is the embodiment of executed 
murderer Wayne Stanley Caxton. Then three of the Voodoo mysteres, Danbhalah Le Flambeau, 
Geude Docteur Piqures aka Dr. Hypodermic, and Baron Tonnerre, show up in town looking for 
Jim. Jim leaves town with the urging of Doc, and hitches a ride with Long Time Robert 
Moore, who promptly abandons him, to hang out with some aliens, who Jim decides he wants 
to meet. At the same time, Simple goes to Necropolis, where she is arrested and sold as a 
slave to the god-king Anubis. The aliens turn out to be interested in probing Jim, which 
he doesenít want, so they use the illusion of two hot space chicks, Epiphany and Devora, 
who make cameo appearances in More than Mortal. Then there is a bizarre simultaneous sex 
scene involving Semple, Anubis, Jim, Epiphany and Devora. So then the aliens dump Jim in 
the middle of a Mesozoic swamp, where he meets "the mammal with no name" who used to be a 
western murdering desperado. Jim wanders around the swamp and comes upon a mansion where 
he looks trough the window, and sees Semple carving her initials into the back of an 
older version of himself. So then Doc shows up and takes Jim down the river, past Isadora 
Duncan, who apparently spent a week with Doc way back when. Semple, meanwhile gets caught 
up in a nuclear explosion of Anubisí and winds up wandering around the desert with our 
old friend Moses. Jim and Doc go past Gehenna, where Christians with guilty concinces 
manifest themselves to be tortured. Then they float down the river into hell, which has 
turned into a netherworld version of Las Vegas. So then in the desert Moses and his tribe 
get crushed by Godzilla, who then sucks Semple in through his eye into a tumor in his 
brain, where a goat, who used to be the poet Dylan Thomas, and Jesus Christ hang out and 
watch Old porn and B movies. So Jim and Doc go to a casino in hell where Sid Vicious, who 
keeps calling Jim a "fucking hippie" tricks him into going into the possession of Dr. 
Hypodermic, who proceeds to take him on an odd multidimensional acid trip, that includes, 
an old school opium den, and a bizarre tunnel where mundane people who lived their lives 
carefully and goodly, walk towards the light, forever or until they realize that they can 
change where they are. Jesus controls Godzilla like he was a robot, and commands him to 
destroy Necropolis, and then transports himself, Semple, and mister Thomas to Aimeeís 
heaven, where he mutilates and murders several nuns and virgins on the hill. Jim goes to 
the Island of the Gods where all the members of the Voodoo pantheon are. Aimee blasts 
Semple, who winds up on the Island of the Gods herself. Then Jim and Semple wake up in a 
cheap hotel in Hell after almost a week of depravity, where they find out that they have 
to rescue Doc from a poker game involving Richard Nixon, Kali, some Korean dude, and 
Satan himself, in his Ike Turner body. Jim does this after threatening Nixon, and the 
three escape to Aimeeís heaven where all hell has broken loose, no pun intended. Aimeeís 
nuns have revolted after the serial killer Jesus incident, and have shaved their heads 
and started crucifying people. 

Then God shows up.

Yes God as in the Bible and the Pope and all that Jazz. Actually according to God he " 
used to be Allah as well, but we had to subdivide around the twelfth century. The 
crusades were making us schizophrenic" He speaks like a Shakespearean actor, looks like 
Christopher Plummer, wears a sharp suit, and has a talking Persian cat who goes 
completely unexplained. And God is really pissed. I personally LOVE Godís long angry 
speech so Iím going to include it here in its more or less its entirety.

"Iím sorry Aimee, but you have fallen for the same self-delusion as hundreds of thousands 
before you. You humans constantly operate under the assumption that I, God, give a ratís 
ass about the petty comings and goings of a species of big-brained, overdeveloped, and 
rather violent monkeys. Itís just plain absurd. Some of you start praying to me when you 
loose your bloody car keys. Okay, a prayer is a prayer, and I donít mind fending off the 
odd holocaust or arranging a cancer remission if itís in a good cause, but car keys? 
Football games? Lotto? The two-thirty at Aqueduct? Give me a break. Itís nothing more 
than theological junk mail. All it makes me do is want to put as much distance between 
myself and humanity as I can. Yes, bad things do happen to good people. And no, Aimee, 
there is no Santa Claus. Itís a cruel and Random Universe, full of black holes and 
entropy, where all manner of terrible things happen, deserved or not. And contrary to 
popular opinion, I didnít make it, either in a week or two billion years, so you cant 
blame me when shit comes to pass. Poor little crippled children are a DNA freakout, not a 
result of any malice on my part. Ebola was a result of you morons cutting down the rain 
forest, not my divine bloody judgment. I only added a few of the finishing touches- 
Orchids, woodpeckers, and to my eternal shame, you nasty humans. Believe me as far as the 
rest goes the math is far too complicated, The universe was originally put together by a 
consortium of forces that I can only just understand and you couldnít even begin to take 
my word for. Have you any idea what the numbers for the Theory of Everything look like? 
They make quantum mechanics look like two plus two"

"But it says in the Bible-"
"Iím God, so please donít quote the Bible to me. Thatís another of the great fallacies. I 
didnít write that ridiculous book. You think I have nothing better to do with my time 
than sit around writing inane dietary laws, accounts of primitive battles, and long, 
boring lists of who begat whom? Thereís a Gideon Bible in every hotel room only because 
MKULTRA put microchips under the gold leaf on the cover. The hippies who used to use the 
pages to roll joints when they ran out of skins had the right idea. The damned Bible was 
cobbled together by a bunch of ancient, too-long-in-the-sun psychopaths sitting in caves 
in the stinking desert, finished up by a conspiracy of patriarchal prehistoric sheep 
herders who wanted to believe that, somewhere in the sky, there was some Great Shepherd 
who would take care of them the way they took care of their blasted sheep and goats. And 
donít look at me like that, Mr. Thomas. I have nothing against goats; in fact, I number 
them among my more likable creations. Its the shepherds I have the quarrels with. I mean, 
they only had to see a bloody bush catch fire and they were off and running. Do you know 
just how stupid the original Moses was? It took the fool forty years to get across the 
bloody Sinai. T.E Lawrence did it on a camel in less than a week and he took time off to 
kill one of his boyfriends on the way by dropping him in quicksand." .............

"Yes, yes, I know all about that. You fancy yourself as Bernadette, the Hammer of God. 
Well, Iím sorry, lovey, Iím God and I have absolutely no need of a hammer. I have no 
desire to hammer in either the evening or the morning, and if I did, Iíd go to the 
ironmongers and buy one" "But I-" "Please donít intterupt" "But I was-" "I said, donít 
interrupt. As it is, Iím not particularly pleased wit you, and if you keep interrupting, 
I may have to do something judgmental. Donít you think Iíve had to deal with your kind 
before? Itís really all about sex, isnít it. Sex and more bloody sex. Thatís all you 
overblown chimps seem to have on your minds. I know what those machine guns and phallic 
blasted missiles are all about. Iíve seen hundreds like you before, and you never fail to 
annoy me. I blame it all on that absurd prude Saint Paul. That repressed Syrian tentmaker 
fouled everything up. The man was completely obsessed with sex. He couldnít stand the 
very thought of it. Hated women more than he probably hated himself. Started all those 
fish-smell jokes. I never encountered such a rancid mind in anyone who managed to get 
himself canonized. And, believe me, there were some foully rancid saints. And then there 
were all the bloody Popes that came after him, and those repulsive fools Ferdinand and 
Isabella, not only putting up the money to find America when it wasnít lost in the first 
place, but also forking over the cash for the Inquisition so people could be branded with 
hot irons and have their eyeballs gouged out and be hanged and buried alive, and all in 
my name. Iím God, damn it! I absolutely donít care what people do in the privacy of their 
bedrooms, or even in the street, for that matter, as long as they donít annoy the horses. 
Do you really think that, if I wanted human beings to be celibate, I would have given 
them genitals and the urge to use them in the first place?"............

"As youíve all probably gathered by now, Iím not overly enamored of the human race. When 
the Cro-Magnons started in slaughtering Neanderthals, I pretty much knew that, as a 
species, you were well off the rails already. I wanted to flood you all out, but I 
allowed that wretched Noah to talk me into letting him build his ark because he promised 
to save the giraffes and the rhinoceroses. A little later, I seriously believed that the 
aliens were going to nuke you all to extinction, but al they did was fry Sodom and 
Gomorra, which I guess only tends to confirm how wrong I can be when it comes to 
humanity. I didnít much like the Roman Empire; the Dark Ages were a mess; I suppose the 
Renaissance was okay, but then the Industrial Revolution started the whole fossil fuel 
greenhouse thing going and I knew it would only be a matter of time before you turned it 
all over to the roaches. What you might call the last straw, the thing that really pissed 
me off, was that TIME cover story. There it was, white out of black -GOD IS DEAD- in 
damned great letters, and I decided to give up on the whole pack of you. If you chose to 
think I was dead, so be it. I was history. You had a gang of oily evangelists to address 
your need to worship, and I was about to take a cab. In fact, I was very tempted to 
destroy the whole planet: fire, pestilence, plagues of frogs, every volcano going off at 
once. The entire apocalyptic works. I was even toying with the idea of making the sun go 
nova, or at least dropping a large asteroid in the Pacific Ocean. About the only thing 
that stopped me is that Iím still inordinately fond of giraffes and rhinos - and also 
cats and whales, harp seals, dolphins, bears, and penguins - so I refrained. Why should 
they vanish without a trace just because you bipedal bastards are unable to behave 
yourselves? Oh yes, I know you built some very nice cathedrals, and I really liked 
Marilyn Monroe and fettuccine alfredo. But they were, in turn canceled out by your 
concentration camps, Queen for a Day, and man-made neuro toxins. In some respects, I 
suppose I only have myself to blame. Right back at the beginning, I should have made the 
entire Earth fireproof. If youíd never discovered fire, your kind would have remained a 
bunch of monkeys standing up to peer over the tall grass. My only excuse is that I didnít 
imagine you would be cunning enough to go from rubbing two sticks together to a 
thermonuclear weapons capability in little more than the flutter of a cosmic eyelash."

Then God basically says that Heaven is becoming too crowded so everyone should stop 
having babies.

This is a wonderful amazing bizarre book, thatís like Dogma to the 20th power combined 
with one of those weird 60ís SCI FI movies where absolutely nothing makes sense. Its like 
a wonderful hallucinogenic drug, except without the bad comedown and the prison time. Its 
fast paced and bizarre, and makes you think about stuff but is fun at the some time. 
Everyone should read this book.